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Jul. 21st, 2004 @ 10:23 pm
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goodbye everyone, I hope that somehow I will be able to see you all again sometime soon, I love you all. Thank you for all of your love and support for me during these troubled times of mine.
Home: 603-227-9672 in case anyone want to know anything about my status as of tomorrow.
I hope that you all find it in your hearts to forgive me. |
2 days, and now I am scared as hell. Scared for whats going to happen to me, and for whats going to happen to the people I love when Im gone. Im still having the whole they'll forget me complex but thats not the part thats tearing me apart. Its still amanda, I went for ovwr a week without any contact, to give her the space that she wants, and I was fine with it.
I was fighting with myself to call her and tell her that I missed her, but held back. Whne I finally broke down and went to call her, she had already text messaged me, so I called hger just to say hi. This was yesterday, and I am still in knots about all of it. I miss her so terribly, yet I know that I cant be with her, she doesn't want to be with me right now, I don't know if ever. Im not stable, I cant give her the things in life that I know she wants and I know that she deserves, but I want to try so hard to give tjhose things to her.
Love is a strange thing. I guess that I was never in love with anyone the same way that I was, no AM in love with Amanda right now. I just wish that things could be different, I wish that I could be me, not this shell that I have been reduced to. The false smiles to hide my pain and to keep up the apperance that I'm all right.
I am not all right. I am so scared, uncertain, and angry right now. Scared that I dont know what is going to happen to me. Uncertain about my future, and angry that I put myself here and now I can find my way out.
I ache all over. my back is so tense its always in pain, my chest just keeps getting tighter and tighter worry and dobut. And of all my nagging pain, my heart hurts the most.
The last year and a half of fear, dobut and uncertainty are all coming to a culmination in about 48 hours. where it can do only two things, get 100% better or 100% worse. For my sake, I hope for the better outcome, cause I cant imagine any feeling worse than the way I feel right now.Current Mood:  crushed Current Music: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved |
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Jul. 14th, 2004 @ 06:25 pm
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I miss her smile, I miss her face, I miss her eyes that captivate me in such a way that I don't want to be anywhere else in the world but lost inside them,
I miss her so terribly, but telling her would only make it worse |
a oleaseant day, yealded a plesant outing to manchester for food and a visit to ians work with andy and jotham and tab. then to everett sports for some outdoor fun type equipment and then to the mall for a baseball bat.
I got to throw around a baseball.
Somthing i loved so much had come back to me. chasing fly balls throwing long distances, all came back to me. Oh, how I dop love to play baseball. I miss it so much and to be able to play it today was such a joy among all the dark clouds looming over my head. A really good day in all nothing at all displeasing about it.
Save one bout of longing for a certain individal,
They are, however, becoming less frequent and less intense. I guess I've finally copme to grips with it. Angela sure is helping with that too. There is a mutual enjoyment in each others company, and She knows my whole situation and is still willing to spend tiome with me. However I cant help but feel like an asshole. Startinmg a relationship and having her put intoi this relationship, just to have me go away in.... 21 days, Feels like im leading her into a dead end and then disappearing on her.
Oh well. I still had a fantastic day and hope for at least a few more like it... my b day is coming up still.Current Mood:  jubilant |
You are a WECF--Wacky Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a candle burning at both ends. You work until you drop, and you play until you can stand to work again. You have so much enthusiasm that you can find it hard to control on your own, and you appreciate the guidance that channels your energy and lets you be your best.
In a relationship, you require lots of attention and support. You often over-contribute and end up feeling depleted and cheated. You may benefit from more time alone than you grant yourself.
Your driving force is the emotional support of others--especially affection. You can run on empty for miles if you have positive energy behind you. Without it--as it occasionally must run dry--you are depressive, listless, and difficult to motivate.
You need a lot of affection. Get it any way you can, but never at the cost of your self-respect or well-being. |
| » Gyah.... |
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I keep wrestling with myself...
I keep feeling like everyday is a countdown to doomsday. Im really trying hard to fight it, but it gets so hard some time.
I want to talk to amanda, but i always feel like im bugging her. I know she wants a break and I really should let her have it. I just worry about her too much. I don't know why... Its just what I do. I want to protect her all the time, and i know i cant.
Other than that nothing interesting happening im my world. Ive become a little more comfortable telling people my problem. Im starting tyo tell people im leaving Home Depot and they ask me what new job am I getting and it breaks my heart to have to lie to people. because thats just not who I am. Im getting some support from my friends at home depot but every time i explain my self, I get overwhelmed with an intense fear of rejection... It sucks.
Anyways I ramble, as is what I do late at nigjt when Im tired. g'night.
PS... SOMEBODY LEAVE ME A DAMN NOTE lol
Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 12:00 am
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| » Shitfaced |
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And boy was I. Went to teh barley house... drank... then to the Capitol Grille... nobody we knew there, left... went to margaritas.... Drank Drank Drank... booted in the batroom something fierce... and then got dragged, by andy, to my place. Lucky for me, no hangover.
I think that I wanted to call Amanda, sloshed cause she was disappointed that I wasnt trashed enough to call her last time. I dont remember details... just that i drank way too much.
I think I may hold off for a while before I do it again. I dont wanna become and alcopholic like may parents are/were. Im under alot of stress... but drinking isnt gonna solve my problems.
Jun. 24th, 2004 @ 11:36 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Spent the other night at cumby's with amanda... I did alot better than I thought I was going to do. Doesnt mean that I dont still want to be with her, it just means that I think that I am more accepting of the way things are. I dont like them that much, but thats the way things are.
Gave home depot my three weeks notice. My assistant manager was pretty sympathetic and my HR Manager was kind of a dick about it. Didnt show any empathy at all. I asked if i could have a leave of absence until I came back, but he wasnt too interested in seeing if my offense would allow me to return to my job. So thats up in the air until i can get someone above him to give me a straight answer.
I'll have a couple of weeks to sort my shit out and try and tie up loose ends. This is not the end however,. I will be back.
Jun. 22nd, 2004 @ 11:12 am
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| » Im gonna get you |
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One step closer....
Someone from Mcintosh College is harssing me... Ive gotten it narrowed down that far... now to figure out the rest....
Jun. 15th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Today is just not a good day, cant find anything uplifting about it. Its getting harder and harder to face the day when I know that July 22nd looms over my head.
Its hard to try and plan anything long term cause you dont know if you are gonna be the, I cant make commitments that I know I cant keep.
I cant move on... I love her too much.
I had been lying to myself, saying that I was all right. And for a while I actually believed it. I went out and I met people, none of them as full of life and her. Everyone I've met just seems shallow compared to her. I know that noone wants to hear this. Kelley says I have issues letting go. But when you love someone that much and have swooned and pined for her as much as I have in this last month, things are just fucking difficult.
Its taken a lot out of me. And I dont know how I am going to fill myself back up.
I don't think that she wants to see me. I've wanted to just drive to the seacoast and visit every cumberland farms store in the area just to find the one that she works at, and just say "Hi, how are you?"
I dont wan't her to forget me. Because right now, that is the one thing, I fear the most. More than Jail, more than a life of condemnation, I just dont want her to disappear from my life.
I know that this all sound so stupid to anyone reading this journal, but this is really how I feel.
Amanda told me to life my life for me and to go and get what I want, not what I want for her. Well fine then.
Amanda, you are what I want. You are what I love. You are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Jun. 14th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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| How to make a kamehameha |
Ingredients:
5 parts jealousy
1 part self-sufficiency
3 parts joy |
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of caring and a pinch of salt. Yum! |
Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » Last Night.... |
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Well, after talking to Amanda last night, the night was really rough.
I slept on "My" side of the bed annd clutched my pillow at my side, and wished it was her.
but I made it through, I done good kidd-o :)
Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » I dont know about this one... |
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| Informationi | | kamehameha is a restricted area. Authorised personel only |
From Go-Quiz.com
Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Funny how some things go...
Adri's b-day present is the start to a whole new chapter in her life...
My B-day present is the same thing, but for entirley different reasons...
strange how the universe works...
Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Im still getting the anonymous hate messages in my diary... I think I have the mental capcity to deal with whoever it is and whatever part of my life they are from. Dont be a sissy and hide behind some anonymous posting, Show your face you coward, or leave me alone.
Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:06 pm
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| » One week |
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Its been one week to the day since the "Big Goodbye" or whatever it was. I thought I was going to spend a week in misery, but I think the tal k really helped me gear up for the life ahead.
Got trashed with Jotham's sister, didnt think I'd be doing that. Didnt think I could get my fat ass on a bicycle even and i did that.
I'll tell you what tho... If she wanted me back I don't think that I'd say no.
P.S. I am officially addicted to DDR even though Ian can whoop my ass.
Jun. 8th, 2004 @ 01:29 am
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| » One week |
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Its been one week to the day since the "Big Goodbye" or whatever it was. I thought I was going to spend a week in misery, but I think the tal k really helped me gear up for the life ahead.
Got trashed with Jotham's sister, didnt think I'd be doing that. Didnt think I could get my fat ass on a bicycle even and i did that.
I'll tell you what tho... If she wanted me back I don't think that I'd say no.
P.S. I am officially addicted to DDR even though Ian can whoop my ass.
Jun. 8th, 2004 @ 01:29 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Long day yesterday.... still achy and exhausted from the wedding. and so hat was a bad way to start the day... then went to work and that sucked cause it wqs busy as hell and that was another blow to my "fragile" little psyche, tthen got into the mother of all foights with amanda which really kicked my ass. Lots of things were said and shouted... mostly the shouting was on my end. She said she didnt love me anymore and I just snapped. Broke in two and was left crying in the drivers seat of my van on my cell phone in the middle of the Home depot parking lot on my lunch break. That was certainly not one of my finer moments.
I said I loved her... but it was too late she said... Go that pretty much snapped me in half last night. I think i needed that... we needed that... one big knock down drag out for me to really try to get a sense of each opthers feelings. I think I finally got it and I need to move on. But last night I laid it out on the line.
I hope that she finds someone that loved her just half as much as I loved her.
But for now... I do my little heartbreak routine and attempt to move on, God its gonna be a pain in the ass.... but I guess that I'm up for it.
May. 28th, 2004 @ 07:22 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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*sigh*
May. 28th, 2004 @ 07:22 pm
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